My name is Kathleen...
and I have a problem.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009



It's more than a problem. It's an addiction.

Magazines. They're my crack. I can't get enough.

I'd like to sit here and tell you I only read Vogue, Vanity Fair and Time. Truthfully, I do read them. I don't discriminate. I'll read any glossy mag. Ranger Rick? I'm in.

The magazines that really get my hands shaking and my heart beating, however, are the celebrity gossip weeklies. I know, I know. It's embarrassing. I try to buy only the top tier of tabloids: People and Us Weekly. However, like any addict, sometimes I just need my fix. If I'm waiting in line at the grocery store and I see In Touch or, even worse, Star staring back at me, I start to sweat a little.

BRAD AND JEN'S SECRET RENDEZVOUS! I know it's not true and I don't even care. Grab it. JESSICA'S LONELY NIGHTS! Poor thing. Let me see. KENDRA'S BABY NURSERY! I don't give a sh*t, but... well, maybe for just a second.

So, yes, I have a problem and you know what they say. The first step is identifying it. I don't even want to admit that Thursday is my favorite day of the week because it's the day the new Us Weekly hits the shelves. (Except this week, this week it comes out today. Thank you, Thanksgiving! The cover this week? Jessica and Jennifer missing John! Score. Right after I finish this, I'm driving to Target and getting my greedy little hands on my own copy. And no, I am not joking.)

When I was little, my mother said that I couldn't read these magazines because only trashy people read them. (Sorry, Mama, but you know you said it.) That's like saying, "Whatever you do, do not go on top of the roof and break dance. It's the most fun you'll ever have, but you'll get a reputation." The next thing you know, you're reading Break Dancing for Dummies and plotting a way to get on that damned roof. Right? Right. My mother said the same thing about soap operas and let's just be honest here, I faked an illness to stay home and watch Tad and Dixie get married on All My Children in the sixth grade.

It's like she programmed me to like this crap.

Years ago, my good friend Emily came to my house for a slumber party and as she was getting into bed, she tripped on something and dramatically fell on her heinie. What did she fall on? My ginormous stack of trashy magazines. We still laugh about that one.

Every December, I tell myself that as a resolution I will decrease my celebrity gossip intake. By January 15th, I'll buy anything. Tiger Beat? Why not? Anything to stop the cravings... Maybe this year I really will cut back. It's highly unlikely, but anything is possible. And, hey, there are worse vices a gal could have. Until then, bring it. I gotta run to Target now. Something's calling my name.

*My bff would like me to add that even when I have a subscription to one of my favorite mags, if it doesn't arrive in a timely fashion in my mailbox, I'll go and buy one anyway. Yeah, it's that bad and, yeah, I'm a little ashamed.

12 comments:

  1. I think I'll get you a subscription for Christmas. Hows that for enabling I mean being a good friend?!!

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  2. I totally have the same problem--I want to stop, but those silly pictures and tag lines on the cover ALWAYS get me!

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  3. As part of your recovering and healing process from this addiction. I believe it is my duty to share the following information:

    Kathleen has had many a subscription to her favorite mags, but if said magazine does not arrive in her mailbox the same day it hits the new stands, then there have been times she's been forced to buy a copy instead of wait for the issue to come in mail.

    There's also the infamous movie-watching-magazine-flip. I don't know how many films we've watched together, that Kathleen has been buried in the latest copy of US or (gasp) Star.
    Me:"Hey are you paying attention to this?"
    Kath: "Huh? Oh, yeah." Flip. Flip. Flip.

    I should also disclose that I've often been the beneficiary of her addiction. Just this last August, she mailed me a stack of the latest tabloids (sorry, babe. they may not be the Inquirer, but they're still the dreaded t word) as part of an awesome birthday parcel. It was pretty rad to receive in the mail, I must admit.

    Bottom line: Although you probably could make a down payment on a dream home with all the $ you've spent on magazines in your lifetime. I still love you and your addiction.

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  4. I am so bad...I have oooooodles or subscriptions to home decor and fashion mags! I used to subscribe to US, but now I only buy it after awards shows...I even read my husband's maxim and men's health cover to cover!!!

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  5. oh man, i am right there with you. i have cut back A LOT though. there was a time when i would buy every tabloid every week. and i never threw them out! i had the collection of a crazy hoarder lady. i'm good now and rarely buy or read them. but i still subscribe to like 11 magazines? around about that. i LOOOVE them! we should totally read tabloids and drink framboise together one day. yessss.

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  6. I could totally hear your voice saying all this. I also am a mag fan, but clearly not on the same level as you. But I support you. There are worse hobbies (crack cocaine, for one). :)

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  7. I am obsessed with mags myself - a friend bought me a subscription to US Weekly for Christmas last year and I was hooked - and also purchased them when they didn't arrive on time:)

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  8. Um, you and I are the EXACT SAME as far as this goes. Let me count the ways...

    a) Love Thursdays because it's Us Weekly day
    b) My sister and I often argue over who reads what first, People or Us?
    c) I love to (not) care about what celebs are eating, drinking or loving...wait, they're just people too?

    I could go on, but I've gotta go check the mail...

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  9. I'll take that Us Weekly when you're done with it, please.

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  10. too funny!! I am the same way! I have about 30 i subscribe to and then there are always the ones in the racks {not the ones by the check stand.. I have all of those} the ones down the aisle, that have something in the front cover that I cant resist! and yes, the "trashy" ones are the best!!

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  11. Do you read "World News Weekly" to follow the life of Bat Boy? Heheheheh

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