Little Leaps of Faith.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010



I don't know about you, but - try as I may - I'm not always very good at being happy. While I hope I'm not a pessimist, I've never really been an optimist either. I've never worn rose colored glasses and I've always envied those that do. As joyful as I think I am, deep sadness has never been a stranger. Not when I was a little girl and not now.

After my dad died, I started holding my happy moments closer to my heart. Protecting them. When the flowers inside me started to bloom again after his death, I noticed a difference in myself. I laughed louder and more often. I smiled at passing puppies. I loved more deeply because of what I had lost.

But from the moment he left my world, a part of me has been waiting for life to break my heart.

So, just like those happy moments, I learned to protect myself. To watch out for the hurts that may be ahead, to wait for the other shoe to drop. And like most behaviors we cultivate to protect ourselves, I've caused myself more pain by trying to predict it. As though seeing it in the distance would somehow lessen it.

Today I found myself trying to mute my own happiness because of the fear of being hurt and I don't want to be that girl anymore. I really don't. I can't bring my dad back, can't sit down with him and laugh. I can't erase the memory of hurts I've endured in past relationships. What I can do, however, is have faith. That in life, and in love, everything will be okay. Because it always has been.

And life will break my heart again. It will. People will disappoint me and, yes, people will die. It will be unbearable and yet, somehow, I will bear it. Because I have faith in my heart. The heart my father gave me. The heart that got over all those past hurts (and a couple of a**holes, too).

If that isn't a leap of faith, I don't know what is.

{photo via}

12 comments:

  1. so sad and so true... how do we begin to end this vicious cycle? I have this same problem :(
    TOGETHER we can do it!!! You stop me when I start to do it, and I promise to do the same!!! love ya lady!!!

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  2. if it's any console, my dad died when i was 24, and I was a mess after for a long time. I have never blogged about it and don't plan to but I applaud you for speaking up. I'm still a little crazy and have a tendency to put up a good wall (I'm a pro at changing subjects). Recently I felt a sting of happiness and this time I decided to roll with it. I don't disrupt my happiness, if it comes, it comes and you deserve to be happy. You can totally do it, lady!

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  3. You're so right - all we can do is have faith that we will get through those tough times in life. Somehow, everything always ends up ok:) Sending smiles your way!

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  4. this is soo heart warming and inspiring! I haven't felt that kind of loss in my life and can't say that I know what it's like...but I applaud you for commiting to being positive.

    What a leap of faith it is!

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  5. Wow what a great model you are. I struggle with this every day in my current romantic relationship. We've been together a long time now and are discussing the M word {"eternal roommates" as we call it}, and I'm still wanting to hold so much back in an attempt to protect myself. I think you are so right though, not putting myself completely in to love and faith does more harm than good. Thanks for the inspiration and knowing I'm not the only one.

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  6. This is so inspiring! I've just recently begun reading your blog, but this entry shows how strong you are!

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  7. Sorry I was asleep last night...I love this.

    Leaps of faith and trying to make healthy decisions is all we can do...with good friends and sangria. You deserve all the happiness in the world, and I think you believe it too!! I love you lady.

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  8. well said my dear! a mended heart is a strong heart.

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  9. Oh Kathleen, I haven't even met you and just adore you.

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  10. Refreshing to the max lady. I've taken that leap and it's SO worth it!

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  11. So true and I bet that's just the way your dad and your loved ones would want you to live!

    I've taken it, it hurts, but yes it can be so worth it!

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  12. Oh darling, this is such a wonderful post. Honestly, if my Dad died, I'd be so completely lost. All of my happy moments would just be put away for awhile and I would be trapped in grief. Having faith, and hope truly makes all of the difference. I know I'm echoing the words of other commenters here, but you are very inspiring.

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